I know God loves me but what about Greek!

I got a problem.

I understand that God loves me. I live in the full knowledge that he sees me as perfect as Christ with the uniqueness of "Andy." It's incredible. It's amazing. Life changing! But sometimes, it's feels like it's not enough.

You to need to know one thing. I need to pass Greek. (Side Note: Greek is the original language of most of the New Testament. We learn it in seminary so we can read from the fingertips of the original authors of the Bible. It's a pretty rad science of interpretation actually.)

However, if I don't pass Greek this round, I am freakin' stuck at Bethel for another year! That means graduating in June of 2013!!! Just the thought makes me feel like a caged animal... like wolverine right after he receives his admantium skeleton. Snikt!

SIDE NOTE: School really isn't that bad. I have a growing desire to explore God on His and my terms (not seminary's).

Greek. The class is officially "New Testament Greek II." Now, Let's ignore the fact that I "killed" (got an 'A') my last semester in Greek I. Right now, I am struggling. I.e. - I get it, but I haven't gotten it perfectly. And if I don't get it,

A.) I fail the class,

B.) Flood staff thinks I am dumb,

C.) I have to keep looking for support for another year, and

D.) I walk around with a Dunce cap.

These are the toxic tapes playing in my head. You ever hear them?

I care about these supposed expectations on others. There is some self-awareness here because I really impose these expectations on others (whether they are there or not). Other types of toxic tapes that motivate the one's above are:

-Will my wife really not love me if I am school in other year?

-Will I be excommunicated from my position at Flood if I fall behind?

Scary, huh? Now, where is the grace in all of this? I did state that God loves me, right?

Full circle. I know that God loves me. I even receive that love from time to time. And He/They know that I love Him/ Them (Trinity - amazing reality... difficult to explain). Unfortunately, there are times I place these thoughts and consequential expectations before God's love. I tell myself that Flood's approval or my wife's love trump God's concern for me as His child.

When and if I put too much weight in what other people think, I get stuck in the toilet bowl of worry.

I mentioned a few sentences ago those moments that "I receive God's love from time to time." In these mere moments, "worry" becomes a non-issue. Somehow, I don't care about what other's think. And what happens simultaneously in this moment is amazing: Instead, I care about these same people so much, it's almost insane. All of this is flowing in the course of receiving God's love.

I know that God loves me. But when I put other things in front of this love, the truth of God only becomes knowledge instead of reality. Furthermore, the process of living in this reality allows me to really care for others... freely while not being stuck in a pattern of excessively caring about what they think about me.

It's time to plunge this worry clog and receive the love of God. Then, I will flush this Greek class down, baby.