Sunday, January 30, 2011

Seminary Thought #346 - Studying and God

I spend the entire weekend studying. My demeanor was like that bed-ridden dude from an ol' Hitchcock movie (don't remember the name), but I was actually looking out the window and eventually conspiring about the world around me. That was when I knew it is time for a walk...

Studying itself actually became good time (especially towards the the end). I will miss seminary when it is done (Not now but definitely later...)

Did you know that you and I have intellectual pathways by which we know God? (Some more than others I'm sure.) To state it plainly, there are moments where we can know God by knowing about God. However, we must always be cautious. Let us never completely substitute the latter for the former. That's pharisaic... and even worse, boring.


And still, my brain is full.

Friday, January 21, 2011

I know God loves me but what about Greek!

I got a problem.

I understand that God loves me. I live in the full knowledge that he sees me as perfect as Christ with the uniqueness of "Andy." It's incredible. It's amazing. Life changing! But sometimes, it's feels like it's not enough.

You to need to know one thing. I need to pass Greek. (Side Note: Greek is the original language of most of the New Testament. We learn it in seminary so we can read from the fingertips of the original authors of the Bible. It's a pretty rad science of interpretation actually.)

However, if I don't pass Greek this round, I am freakin' stuck at Bethel for another year! That means graduating in June of 2013!!! Just the thought makes me feel like a caged animal... like wolverine right after he receives his admantium skeleton. Snikt!

SIDE NOTE: School really isn't that bad. I have a growing desire to explore God on His and my terms (not seminary's).

Greek. The class is officially "New Testament Greek II." Now, Let's ignore the fact that I "killed" (got an 'A') my last semester in Greek I. Right now, I am struggling. I.e. - I get it, but I haven't gotten it perfectly. And if I don't get it,
A.) I fail the class,
B.) Flood staff thinks I am dumb,
C.) I have to keep looking for support for another year, and
D.) I walk around with a Dunce cap.
These are the toxic tapes playing in my head. You ever hear them?

I care about these supposed expectations on others. There is some self-awareness here because I really impose these expectations on others (whether they are there or not). Other types of toxic tapes that motivate the one's above are:
-Will my wife really not love me if I am school in other year?
-Will I be excommunicated from my position at Flood if I fall behind?

Scary, huh? Now, where is the grace in all of this? I did state that God loves me, right?

Full circle. I know that God loves me. I even receive that love from time to time. And He/They know that I love Him/ Them (Trinity - amazing reality... difficult to explain). Unfortunately, there are times I place these thoughts and consequential expectations before God's love. I tell myself that Flood's approval or my wife's love trump God's concern for me as His child.

When and if I put too much weight in what other people think, I get stuck in the toilet bowl of worry.

I mentioned a few sentences ago those moments that "I receive God's love from time to time." In these mere moments, "worry" becomes a non-issue. Somehow, I don't care about what other's think. And what happens simultaneously in this moment is amazing: Instead, I care about these same people so much, it's almost insane. All of this is flowing in the course of receiving God's love.

I know that God loves me. But when I put other things in front of this love, the truth of God only becomes knowledge instead of reality. Furthermore, the process of living in this reality allows me to really care for others... freely while not being stuck in a pattern of excessively caring about what they think about me.

It's time to plunge this worry clog and receive the love of God. Then, I will flush this Greek class down, baby.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Will I Am

I preached the other day about our view of God as our "Everlasting Father." This one was especially tough for me because there is a person to compare/ contrast God with, my own Dad a.k.a. Pat 'the maniac' Kelly. I love my old man, but next to God, Pat never stands a chance. Nor should he.

And yet, our biological father has a heavy influence in how we view God.

I'm sure you can relate. Each of us have or have had a father whether we knew him or not. And there is much we can attribute from the experience, teaching and witness (or lack thereof) from our "earthly" fathers: compassion, drive, generosity, survival, precision, our love for sports, our love for the arts, our love for building things, etc.

Conversely, there is a lot of pain that we received from many 'dad' experiences: excessive demands, distance, abuse, inconsistencies, etc. Maybe Dad (and Mom) were absent via emotion, physical separation, divorce, workaholism, or death. It's kind of depressing when we consider our need for family and desire for a loving-and-instructing authority figure. Parenthood was, is and will be an imperfect system. God help me and Courtney, literally.

If we conflate our broken view of "dad" with the fact that God who is presented as "Father" 245 times in New Testament, we run the risk of a confusing the two. We can have a God who is loving (sometimes) and at the same time over-demanding, strict, distant, etc. Our imperfect, biological system can corrupt the true image of God. The one that is our forever Father, who not only transcends all time but has the (only) love transcends everything.

By the way, we all confuse our image our God.

Separating our earthly "dad" from our heavenly Father requires some serious intention. Blogging about every layers of this process would be impossible.

But I would like to offer a first step (of healing) for those who may experience anger from our overarching view of father (dad, what have you) and are ready to take some "next steps." Consider it unsolicited advice and proceed only if you agree with it logically and emotionally (if it gives you a warm and fuzzy feeling in your heart and head).

Before we begin, I want to state something about anger. "Anger" is a secondary emotion. Meaning, anger rises from a result of something else, a "primary" experience (i.e. loss, hurt, pain, struggle, injustice, etc). These primary experiences that we received from our broken parents can easily trigger/ ignite our anger. And that anger inevitably leads to blame as it appears to be the natural response and answer to this pain we are experiencing.

But the blame however becomes a epidemic in itself. In the end, blame only enhances the pain that is there.

Moreover, if we go down this rabbit hole of blame (i.e. if we just blame that 'dad' figure), we find that our dad has experienced the same pain. Transferring the blame, our dad can simply blame his dad. And so forth and so on. This rabbit trail ultimately leads back the first father, Adam and he was stuck in his own pattern of blame (See Genesis 3 - Adam instead blamed his wife...).

It is systemic. Because I am a broken dude, my kid (if God provides) will be unpacking the hurt I will cause in his life.

Moreover, we can also blame ourselves. This is scarier. As a result of the toxic tapes received from our father figures (or mother or spouse or boyfriend/ girlfriend or boss or society), we begin to believe them. "We are falling short constantly. We will never keep up." The messages begin to repeat themselves in our own mind but we become the author and recipient.

This inadequacy invites self-blame. The demands that are placed on us become as mandatory as the air we breathe. We continually fall short. "This is where we will remain if we don't get our act straight!" It is a message of hopelessness and the antithesis of the Gospel, the only path that gives entire acceptance despite our actions.

God doesn't want those thoughts in our head. He just wants us, all of us. Furthermore, he wants to know that we are not stuck in some repetitious cycle of 'bad' behavior (as 'validated' by the broken influences surrounding us). This is contrary to the free will He has given and wants for you and I.

The time is now for a huge paradigm shift. So what do we do instead of finding fault with others or our self (time for that "first step" I was talking about)?

Grieve. And grieve well. This will be a process for you and I. If there is a pain that lies awake or dormant in us, this means that there was a loss of something or someone that what we desired, expected to be there and most likely needed.

Example.

I love the the movie Good Will Hunting. Top 5 of all time. Easy (Hence, the random pics thus far).

In this movie, there is an epic scene where Will played by Matt Damon collides with the reality of his broken past in foster homes. "It's not your fault. It's not your fault... It's not your fault" is constantly repeated by Sean (Robin Williams), the realized juxtaposition and needed father figure Will has always been lacking.

Me and my boys love this scene.

The rough exterior that comprises Will eventually breaks down and he begins grieving the pain he experienced as well as the belief that he is a unwanted. He is able and begins to grieve the loss of the parent(s) he desires, all of the physical pain, the emotional hurt and the psychological damage he received. He can grieve the amount of time he believed "it was his fault." He can even grieve his own actions and the false cycle of belief that fueled it. That is the freedom of grief. It points to forgiveness to others and to our self. Grace.
Huge note: it is important to state that in grieving Will (Damon) is able to own his own behavior. In the movie, Will is arrested time and time again for numerous accounts of assault, various misdemeanors and a few felonies. The "it's not your fault" never applies to Will's crimes.

Society may want us to believe that Will was always innocent despite his crimes, but this would actually be the converse to the ending theme of the movie, Will's freedom to choose his own path.

Will knew he was guilty in that moment for what he has done in his past. So did Sean. (He even apologizes as he grabs onto Sean.) However, Will's actions never made Sean's love for him any less. Moreover, it is this shear act of Sean's genuine love that frees up Will. In fact, Will needed to own his own behavior to realize that he was able to leave "Southy" aka his Boston hood, head out to California and "see about a girl." (You gotta love that line.) In short, Free Will.

One must note that Robin William's character Sean plays a key role in this.

Could you imagine an Father with limitless love embracing us in the midst of all of behaviors... even our worst? It can free anyone up. It frees us from blaming others. It frees us from anger. It heals the pain of being separated from that need we desired the most.

Check out this parable: Luke 15:11-32. It paints a picture of God as told by Jesus Christ. Moreover, I also preached about it the other day (as I stated earlier... If you read this far, I am impressed). Please check it the sermon! This father points to the reality that He is the only Father that could ever fulfill us.

He is the God that wants you and I to know that there is something greater inside of us. If you know him, you will know that he says to you and I "This is my Child, whom I love and with you I am well pleased." And if we could only believe it.... It changes everything.

You may feel stuck. I feel stuck at times. Will was stuck, but it was because he believed he was stuck. Before, he chose anger. But after grieving and the relinquishment of the impossible expectations that results, the journey begins. Grieve the pain and celebrate the One who is died for our pain. We can finally celebrate...

If you want to know about this God, explore the New Testament (The book of Luke is a great place to start! Click here!!!). Furthermore, if you want to know God, follow His Son Jesus. "Now this is eternal life: that they know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom you sent."

I love you family! Thanks for reading...

Andy
A child whom is well loved, baby.

"This God is the only context in which our being makes sense. We do not find our true self by seeking self. Rather, we find it be seeking God." ~ David Benner

"To be a follower of Jesus, we enter a process of spiritual growth which becomes a gradual repudiate of the unreal image of God and an increasing openness to the true and living God. In healing our image of God, Jesus frees us from our fear of the Father and dislike of ourselves." ~ Brennan Manning